


Blame

by theramblingnerd



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, I Might Delete This Later, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29552640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theramblingnerd/pseuds/theramblingnerd
Summary: After Revenge of the Sith Obi-Wan reflects on all the friends he's lost
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Satine Kryze, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, Padmé Amidala & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Kudos: 18





	Blame

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is, I didn't proofread it and it may get deleted later. Basically Obi-Wan is tired of feeling like a failure and seeing his friends die

The twins were safe. That was all that mattered to Obi-Wan at this point. Everyone else he had ever cared for was dead. He had left Anakin, his padawan and brother, for dead hours earlier only to find Anakin’s wife and the mother of the twins dead. They had been two of his dearest friends and now they were both gone. The girl - Leia - would be on Alderaan by now, safely ensconced in the palace and Obi-Wan had just left Luke with Owen and Beru at their moisture farm. He sat now in a dusty room on Tatooine, exhausted but unable to sleep. His body was tired but his mind whirred, attempting to process the betrayal and tragedy that had unfolded in the last few days. He blamed himself for it all. He hadn’t seen or hadn’t wanted to see the conflict that had been in Anakin for so long. And as a result, the Republic had fallen, the Jedi had been all but wiped out, and Anakin had turned to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan had failed time and again throughout his life, this was just the culmination of his latest failure.

Being back on this planet made him think of his own time as a padawan. He had last been here with Qui-Gon, the Master he had loved and failed to protect. Qui-Gon had been so sure of Anakin’s future and he certainly would have made a better master for the boy. But Obi-Wan had been unable to save his Master from Maul’s blade. He had watched helplessly and held Qui-Gon as the light faded from his eyes. He had made a promise to train Anakin. In his mind the events were connected. Had he been strong enough to save his Master, he would never have been responsible for Anakin’s training and subsequent fall. Qui-Gon would have instilled an unwavering loyalty to the Jedi Order in Anakin, he felt certain of that. 

Obi-Wan wished he had left the Order to be with Satine all those years ago. She too had died. He again had been too weak to save one that he loved. Had he left the Order then, Qui-Gon likely would have taken on another, better apprentice, one who could have saved him from Maul. And Qui-Gon would have gone on to train Anakin himself. Satine wouldn’t have been held as a political prisoner or murdered. They could have lived happily together if only they had not been pulled away from each other by their individual senses of duty: hers to the people of Mandalore and his to the Jedi Order. Force he missed her. She would have found a way to sooth his restless mind from the grief that crashed down in waves on him now. He had never properly expressed his feelings for her and he would never get the chance as a result of the wretched Clone Wars. 

He felt responsible for much of the loss that occurred throughout the galaxy during the seemingly unending war as well. The Jedi were never meant to be warriors and yet they had let the Emperor turn them into soldiers. And there were not enough of them to keep the galaxy safe. Even with his beloved clone troopers behind him, he often fell short in battle. Many innocent civilians died under his watch. And many of his men laid down their lives as well. Obi-Wan realized now that the Emperor had been pulling the strings to keep the war ongoing, but he still felt the weight of those deaths on his shoulders. Death seemed to follow him everywhere he went. It seemed to mock him as it took his most respected allies and dearest friends from him. Master Yoda would tell him that no one is ever truly gone, but Force did their absence weigh on his mind. 

In the darkest of times he had wished that death would take him instead, that if someone were to die that it would be him and that no more lives would be lost on his watch. He wanted so badly to protect his friends, his men, the galaxy really. It would’ve been much more noble for him to die in service to the galaxy than for him to go on fighting and leading others to their deaths. And then the Council let him die in a sense. They faked his death anyways. He went undercover and was ashamed at how liberating, how relieving, it was to not be Jedi Master and General Obi-Wan Kenobi. He should have felt anything but the calm that he felt when he was masquerading as the bounty hunter Rako Hardeen. A bounty hunter didn’t care about anyone’s well-being except for their own. A bounty hunter didn’t have to lead clone troops into battle nor did he have to worry about friends dying because of his own negligence and weakness. 

When he had returned from the mission, he felt a new sense of shame at his own selfishness. Obi-Wan had been so desperate to escape from the tragedies of his own life, he hadn’t considered what might happen to Anakin and Ahsoka in his absence. They had mourned him as he had mourned his own losses. The two were so shocked to see him alive, but they were embittered by what they viewed as a betrayal. He hadn’t meant to hurt them, he had thought he was doing his duty to the Order by taking the mission, he didn’t think he had much choice in the matter when Mace and Yoda had approached him about it, but then again he hadn’t fought all that hard when it was suggested. Obi-Wan had been that eager to escape from his existence that he leapt into the mission without much thought of the others. 

Things had never been quite the same after that. His former padawan and grand-padawan had warmed to him again, but there was always a mild sense of distrust directed towards him after that mission. Then Ahsoka went on the run and eventually she left the Order. Obi-Wan honestly didn’t blame her. He missed her and he saw the effect her absence had on Anakin, but he hoped that she left early enough to avoid the level suffering he had endured by leaving when she did. 

Anakin withdrew more from him though with each passing day, he should have sensed that something was wrong, but he didn’t see it until it was much too late. Obi-Wan loved Anakin and Padme both dearly. It should have been easy to see that the relationship was unhealthy. He had been suspicious as to what the exact nature of their relationship was for quite some time, but never knew how to approach the topic with Anakin. It brought up too many painful memories of Satine, so he avoided the conversation. He wanted his padawan to be happy and to be loved even if he was violating the Jedi Code. He wanted Anakin to be able to have everything he couldn’t and more. The Council asked so much of the boy and did so little for him in return. Anakin was of course an adult, a full fledged Jedi Knight and a General, but Obi-Wan still saw him as the small, curious boy he had been when they first met. Anakin had never learned how to process his emotions or balance himself in the Force and in that way he was still very much a child. 

When the Emperor had seemingly picked him out as a favorite it made sense for the Council to want to use Anakin as a spy, but they failed to take into account his need for validation, something he had never gotten from the Order. They disapproved of him from the moment he set foot on Coruscant. They took advantage of his strength and tactical abilities and made him a General in the war that the Emperor had orchestrated. They refused to make him a Master while asking him to take a seat on the Council. They blamed him when he and his troops failed at impossible missions and disregarded his grief at the loss of his padawan. Of course they were never aware of his relationship with Padme, but they would have never have allowed it to continue if they had known. She was his one refuge from all the horrible things happening around him. And so the Emperor twisted Anakin’s love for her into a weapon. Palpatine - Darth Sidious - had made Anakin fear that he would lose the one person who had always supported him. He couldn’t take that thought and so he turned.

Obi-Wan desperately wished that his former apprentice had confided in him before it was too late. He worried that he had pushed Anakin away by lecturing him about attachments and about allegiance to the Order and the Code. Of course he knew what it was like to want an escape, but he had failed to acknowledge Anakin’s inner turmoil and dismissed his actions as petty acts of rebellion against the Council. Anakin had become so afraid that he helped destroy the Order. His fear was weaponized and he murdered younglings in an effort to protect the illusion that Palpatine put in his mind and so their blood was also on Obi-Wan's hands. 

The last thing that Obi-Wan had wanted to do was face Anakin on Mustafar, but there was no one else left to stop him. And so he himself became a murderer. He had killed before. He had been in far too many battles to keep his hands clean of blood, but he had never raised his saber against a friend. Obi-Wan fought and thought he killed his brother. He didn’t realize until later that the Sith Lord had somehow pulled Anakin’s wrecked body from the ash on Mustafar, but the boy was as good as dead in Obi-Wan’s mind. 

Padme’s death had been a sort of breaking point. She died under mysterious circumstances, having otherwise been healthy. She gave birth to Luke and Leia and would have been an excellent mother. She had been a good friend to Obi-Wan and now she too was gone. He felt guilt for her death and for the two newborns who would never know their parents. Obi-Wan had destroyed a family by being so inattentive to Anakin’s needs. He would ensure that the infants were safe from their father and his new Sith Master and then he would disappear. The galaxy it seemed would be better off without Obi-Wan Kenobi causing problems. As much as he had tried to make things right and to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves, it was clear now that he only made things worse. He thought about all the tragedy he had lived through. He was like a black hole or a supernova. Obi-Wan had unintentionally caused so much death and destruction, those nearest to him always ended up suffering. He could not allow anyone else to be hurt because of his actions. 

Initially his plan had been to hide himself away on Tatooine in a kind of exile. He would at least be able to keep an eye on Luke, but he planned to stay far away from any of his remaining friends. No one else would die to protect him or because he failed to protect them. It had seemed a good plan when he left Leia with the Organas, but as he considered the babies now and his past failures, he began to ponder what good it would do the boy for him to be here. If the child learned the truth about his parentage he would certainly blame Obi-Wan for the deaths of his parents. There lingered a fear in the back of Obi-Wan’s mind that he might not be able to save the child from future dangers, with all of the deaths he had witnessed flooding back to him now, he couldn’t bear the thought of Anakin’s children dying because of him. He was certain that Anakin would avoid Tatooine, his former apprentice had too much pain associated with his home planet, there really was no reason for Obi-Wan to stay, but he had nowhere else to go either. He couldn’t return to Coruscant or homeworld. He thought of Mandalore, but its people had suffered enough without him returning into their midst. Obi-Wan could not think of a suitable planet to flee to. He feared he would bring more harm than good no matter where he turned to. The only logical action would be to free the galaxy of his presence. Only then could he be certain no one else would die because of him. He fiddled with the activation switch on his lightsaber, wondering whether he would be able to fatally wound himself with it or if he was too cowardly even for that. Perhaps he would do better to find a blaster… Uncivilized though they were a blaster would guarantee a quicker end to his torment. In the end the Jedi Master waited until the following day and journeyed into the nearest settlement. He hid his face, unwilling to be recognized by any old acquaintances, and inquired about where he might find a discreet smuggler. Once he had made his way into the Tatooine underground he was able to purchase an affide crystal and return to the abandoned hut he had slept in the night before. Obi-Wan reached out with the Force searching for Anakin, but felt that their Force bond had been broken. He knew then that this was the only sensible course of action. He couldn’t save Anakin and he wouldn’t watch anyone else die. Obi-Wan lay down and placed the neurotoxin on his tongue. As the crystal dissolved in his mouth, he could swear he felt his body begin to dissolve into the Force. And he felt peace.


End file.
